• If a man speaks in the woods with no woman to hear .. is he still wrong?
  • I can't believe Murdock beat out a million other sperm.
  • If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. (Hal Abelson)
  • In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. (Carl Sagan)
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. Then he keeps the watch.
  • I never repeat gossip, so I'll say this only once.
  • I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  • I couldn't fail to disagree with you less!
  • Our universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.
  • What is it that breathes fire into the equations and makes a universe for them to describe? (Stephen Hawking)
  • To be immortal with a finite memory is highly unsatisfactory. (Freeman Dyson)
  • Why should I care about future generations - what have they ever done for me?
  • Maybe one day we'll figure out how to synthesize a new universe in a lab, set off a Big Bang, and move in.
  • Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. (Steven Wright)
  • The three great American lies: Of course I'll respect you in the morning. The check is in the mail. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
  • Committees do harm merely by existing. (Freeman Dyson)
  • Your IQ is so low it's almost a shoe size.
  • I keep six honest serving men (They taught me all I know); Their names are What and Why and When And How and Where and Who. (Rudyard Kipling)
  • There is a wide variety of opinions on consultants. Some people hate them, and some people hate them a lot.
  • I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. (Woody Allen)
  • Humanity can be divided into two categories: those who divide humanity into two categories and those who don't.
  • The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I've found it!) but "That's funny...." (Isaac Asimov)
  • And finally, to my cousin Willie, who always wanted to be remembered in my will, Hi, Willie.
  • Dyslexics, untie!
  • Sure I am a freeloader but my morals permit that.
  • And this is your wife, or am I mistaken again?
  • You can observe a lot just by watching. (Yogi Berra)
  • In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. (Yogi Berra)
  • The noble art of losing face will one day save the human race. (Piet Hein, quoted by Hans Blix)
  • Everything's either concave or -vex, so whatever you dream will be something with sex. (Piet Hein)
  • I was promised flying cars! Where are the flying cars?! (Avery Brooks)
  • It's not the things I forget that bother me; it's the things I remember clearly that never happened.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • See you in my next play, you bastard! (August Strindberg)
  • Weather prediction will never be accurate until we kill all the butterflies.
  • I do not know who discovered water, but it probably was not a fish.
  • When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
  • Theology is man telling God what to think.
  • I believe you when you say that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you understand that what I said is not what I meant.
  • Eschew obfuscation.
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like his passengers.
  • It ain't over till the fat lady sings. (Tristan and Isolde, perhaps?)
  • The fat lady is clearing her throat. (A standard comment from kibitzers on the Internet Chess Club.)
  • Of course I don't believe that putting a horseshoe over my door will bring me luck, but they say that it brings luck even to those who don't believe in it. (Niels Bohr)
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. (Groucho Marx)
  • Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
  • If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee.
  • I spent most of my money on wine, women, and song, and wasted the rest.
  • Be not the first by whom the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside. (Alexander Pope)
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Whether you think you can do something or you can't, you will be right.
  • It is much easier to work harder than it is to work smarter.
  • Practice does not make perfect, it makes permanent.
  • Just because I'm biased doesn't mean I'm wrong!
  • Carrots improve your vision but alcohol doubles it.
  • Helicopters don't really fly. They beat the air into submission.
  • In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet. (Winston Churchill)
  • When goods do not cross borders, soldiers will. (Frédéric Bastiat)

Last edited or checked February 3, 2021.

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